Semblance of humanity

I have one wish, it's that everyone feels a semblance of humanity

No it won't always be a great feeling,

but it will have elements of the great,

of unimaginable pleasure, almost destructive passion

heart beating, blood boiling, intense.






Agony, torture, defeat, a battle of survival

one in which you overcome hurdles like no other creature.

Emotions race through your system.

you make choices, because eventually that's what is left.

Wrong or Right, Left or Right, when the wrong feels right...

entertain the devil for a little while, court the pain.




Wait for the tingling touch up your arm

respond, feel alive, feel the electric-wait for the amp to connect

for the stage to light up, for the crowds to start screaming,

in total ecstasy the words start flowing,

the chorus to starts belting out their groaning tune.

Feel a sense of magic, As they used to boom
"Let the games, begin!" Shining eyes,


alight on thousands of spectators, all watching you

second guessing your strategies, baiting you,

in childlike awe over your tactics.

Your manoeuvres like a giant cobra, whipping left right

dodging in out, leaving the crowd senseless with anticipation,



breathless, gasping for air and eyes narrowing

on their prize, you winning the fight.

Turn the enemy over and plunge it deep in ...

a rewarding spasm, a little chit chat, a ceremonial bow.

"And the winner is..." the chants begin, your name's



already sung, and you soar right over to the wild side,

where the real human resides and the darkness and the light

fit perfectly, the crowd shout out your name deafeningly

and down goes the shiver along your spine

then you know you're feeling damn fine!

Write me

What if all you had was to write?
Science, Math, you never understood
Logic never entered your fantasy world of waterfalls of words,
numbers never invaded your perfect garden.
What if when you wrote the most perfect verse
You lost complete sight, of where you were aiming for ?
When there is nothing left but a pen and a pad,

they seem to be your best friend just
daring you to write something new.
Something astonishing,
What if I never reach that?
What if I never try?
Try and fail or succeed,

I've done my best.
So I'll put all those biting, imps to one side.
I'll sprinkle a little fairy dust,
my shoulders don't hunch any longer.
It's time. I run the pen over the paper.
smile, genuinely surprised at my thoughts
and the outcome ... Me written on a page.

Bait me with that red rag,
competitive streak shining like lightening.
Impatient, outrageous, bubbly, smiling
and just like that pen and pad ... loyal when everything else is lost.
Puzzles and word games, sense of humour,
stubborn and adventurous, feminist,
friend, sister, sanctuary, a listening ear.
A shoulder to cry on. I'm here.

Passionate in everything.
My beliefs, the love I give, the actions I make.
Pen gliding on an infinite page,
write me like no other,
write me like the act of flying,
write me like the adventure I am.
Willing to test me? To interest me ? To best me?

Walk this way, write on my page.
"Affect me" that's all I ask.
Put a lump in my throat, bring a tear to my eye
is that such a difficult task ?

Down A Peg Or Two

"You put me under pressure and I'll bury you" he said.
"That's funny, you never mentioned that when you got me in to bed!"
"A woman scorned" I heard him sneer "What a load of bull".
And I never would have thought of it, but into my skull

an idea as plain as day, as dark as night, entered.
I knew now how to stop this man, who was so self centered.
I stood there with my little self satisfied smirk
and I thought to myself, I'll get this burk.

"A woman scorned is a deadly foe" I voiced.
"A passionate one was definitely not your best choice"
And then I tore and took more and more
till his features were set in total uproar

and he spoke just once to say
"Don't take me for a fool, that you can betray
or believe me I'll ruin your life!!!"
"Go for it" I giggled. "I'll tell your wife"

For someone who had been so full of joy just moments ago, she seemed lifeless. Thinking leads people to take many stances, I have noticed and there is on the odd occasion the day dreamer who has that little frown just encroaching upon their forhead. It shadows there eyes, makes them unapproachable and contrasts the little quirk of a smile which generally forms upon their lips.

She'd crossed her arms, curled into herself, dropped her chin; she was stood but she almost seemed to shrink into the wall itself. It was not that she was alone, she was surrounded by people, all milling around her sharing a joke, laughing but never quite breaching her stony exterior, she smiled and nodded in the correct places, moved her head a little to their direction. If asked "Are you ok?" she'd answer almost robotically, "I'm fine." It's like her programming takes over when she thinks.

I've seen her worrying her lips. The pink in them pools around the spot where her teeth meet the tenderness of her skin and she bites there, roughly, till it's just the right amount of pressure and then releases them.

It's not that she's introverted, far from it, she just seems to push everyone away in her thinking moments. She's like a lonely house surrounded by fields, it's sheltered within but no one knows the torrent of weather which pounds her man built walls.

Her eyes are the most revealing. The most enticing, there may be a fake smile on her face but her eyes reflect what she's thinking. A mirror to her darkest secrets, her hidden dreams, her very feelings themselves jump at you from those eyes.

So that those little spheres shrouded by lash laden lids, were the only real life, emitting heat from her body. The rest just a cold mass, was of no comparison to those blazing rings, they were the epitome of her, her anger roused they pierced you, her beleif made them solemn, her love made them shine.

...

Natural way of life.

There's something about kicking off your heels and walking through a meadow.
Yeah you might stub your toe or tread on a rock.
But there's a natural beauty in it that only the beholder ever understands.
You can lay in the long floating grass and literally forget about the world.
A deep blue sea of cornflowers poking out at you from grassy waves, swishing merrily, quietly reminding you there is peace you just have to choose to seek it out.
Open poppy's heads, swaying to the lightest of breezes, never a touch to stir them.
You can sit there and take it all in, you can lie in the depths of the grass and for mere moments just disappear.
The beauty of nature is that something always reminds you of yourself. For me it's the sky. Not just any sky, a bright blue calm sky doesn't fit me. Have you ever seen the sky before a storm ? It's not just a mist of heavy grey clouds, no it's not as simple as that! It holds every shade of deep blue. Dusky purples form and tinges of yellow poke through the slightly greying clouds, the outlines of black, a stark contrast to the striking sunny colours a reminder of calmer moments, from just minutes ago.
You see the skies a freak of nature it changes, gives in to the pitch black, become lit up by never ending streams of stars. Have you ever seen a thunderstorm light up a dead night sky, flow over rolling hills and engulf a valley? It's lightening forks seem to pierce every dark area, every grey abyss. Until it moves along and there is just silence and darkness and then scurrying animals and hurrying people and rain. The rain comes to wash away the memory of a thunderous encounter and it douses the houses, the slate rooves, it forms little pools in rocky stone. It's remembered because it falls again and again, it creeps upon you, hits you with everything it's got and within a milisecond it's gone. That's my natural way of life.

You can pick a rose,
but it can still make you bleed.
You can tame an animal,
but it still has the capacity to bite.
You can hit me,
but guess what I'll hit back harder.
You can leave me,
but I'll find someone else.
You can hate me
but I'll just smile through it all.

Imagine,
If I was a stronger person, I could create my path.
Suppose,
that everything I ever worked for, was worth nothing, to every one else.
Believe,
I will make it work out. Even if that's only for me!

Keep Smiling

There's a magnitude of pointless things
which will always alude me.
I cannot for instance make everyone
happy,
not always not ever actually.
It is pointless trying.

I'm an uncaring bitch;
well that's what I sound like
There are alot of things I'm scared of
I'm scared to love anyone
I'm scared of hurting people
I'm scared of a spirralling life.
because it's not just one spiral it's hundreds
all interlinking, some losing touch.

I'm losing the grip of hands.
Hard, almost clawed hands which keep me in place.
I'm missing the sharp bite of a slick tongue.
The sarcasm, the truths that no one else
would dare tell me but you.
There's another pointless question
why do people always have to leave?

Do you know why I'm making it pointless?
Because I just don't have the answers.
That doesn't make me uncaring,
Because I'm just as irrationally scared as anyone else,
it makes me as in the dark as every
other living soul on this planet.
Like being a mouse in a hundred acres of corn fields.
Just small. Insignificant even.

My tiny, insignificant little spiral
will touch so many other people's.
I will always smile and always be friendly.
I will always care and
yet I will always, ultimately, be afraid
of the some things and nothings.

The waiting game

So what you're telling me is if I wait long enough
it's all going to fall into place ?
like some magic jigsaw, that's got a timer on it
set to breaking point?
and when it feels like they've crushed every cell
every piece of your heart worth having
that's when the waiting game ends ?

Is that what you want me to believe?
That I have to test every boundary
of my strength both mental and physical
before I know they are right for me ?
That it doesn't just work!
It can never just fall into place!

Why the hell should I ?
That's the kind of high maintenence I hate!
I make all the effort, be the decisive one
is that it ?
I have to decide everything every detail.
Where's the fun in that ?

If you can be alone in company I'm doing it
If you can feel like every kiss is just sealing
a fate that ends in falling apart, I have.
If you can see with your eyes that
you're watching them while they watch someone else,
welcome to my world...
The waiting game is such a lonely road.

Twelve years has been and gone !

well you know what I don't care.
I don't care, that really, you loved her more!
that you left me. That you walked out
long before I was even crawling.
I don't care that you made me watch you,
both of you fighting like cat and dog
That at the age of four you cut me out.

Twelve years too late is what you are!
I was never going to be a daddy's girl.
I certainly am not starting now!
Do you realise what you did to me,
how I still suffer now, how I trust no one ?
and no it's not just your fault.
Yes I should be stronger than that. Than you.

So now I finally might just take that leap.
I actually am, I've found someone.
He's perfect, you don't think so though do you?
No you judge him on how he looks.
Not who he is. Well I apologise,
most sincerely but now is too late
to walk right in and dictate.

If you'd have grown a pair
years ago, left that horrible bitch
I might have considered what you say.
God forbid that I'd have had the same
prejudices, he could be blue with green
polka dots for all I care, as long as he was... him.
But you have to make it an issue.
Have to make me feel small
and worthless once again
just like when I was younger you are leaving me ...

Well now I decide and it turns out
I don't choose you ! I choose him!
so sod off. Take a hike. I don't need you.
especially if you don't want to care !
I'm sick of fighting for love of one man.
I've already got a man who does that.
So here's a news flash an insight into my life,
You are Twelve years too late!

The Creeper, The Taker and The Maker.

Oh how the past creeps up and hits you in the face.
You think it's buried so deeply, in the dank dirt.
Only to find that, that 6 feet under you thought was unescapable
has hidden steps, that's letting it creep back up,
your ladened, bending spine; little bumps cascade down your arms.
Shivers and sweat run marathons across your body.

You know you can't change the past. Ever.
It's always there, absolute, simply waiting to knock down
all those protective barriers, burst through
the shiny veneer. It opens up your soul,
lets the entire world view the worst of you.
Past effects present effects future.

It affects our choices. Makes our decisions.
We become blameless because in time,
everything becomes part of the past,
an old shadowy nightmare, a distant memory.
Something to cart around, hide away,
ignore it's very existance. Prance about with faked dignity.

The past crept up and removed all happiness.
The past slinked through and blotted out the light.
Infamous past equals lonely present.
Boring, sheltered, dignified past equally defines the future.
So to live in the moment is to feel pain.
Is to have felt free, is to have felt villainous,

is to have rebelled through it all... only to look
old and withered and torn in a less than lovely present?
To be shunned and disregarded. To be hated.
It is too much, but the past will keep creeping up.
Will keep pushing on those pure white shrunken daisies.
The death of me, the past will be and my present will be no more.

We're even making the wall paper cringe!

"I believe you god damn it !"
I shout at the top of my voice,
roughly and finally you stop
going on and on and on and ....
well you get the point


You keep chewing my ear off.
Battering at my closed doors
my brain isn't open tonight,
call again; if you really have to,
just stop trying to pull up my shutters!


There is simply nothing there ok
no thoughts or feelings
I honestly have no opinion
on any of the matters which you
persist in throwing at me

...

All I want you to do is listen to me

just this once make a decision

good lord how hard is that to do?

arghhhh I can't stand the inevitable silence

that reaches me when I enter the room

I'm trying to let my guard down.

I really am, It's difficult you know.

I don't trust people, no not even you.

Why should that surprise you ?

You knew where I stood

I've never hidden my views

I'm out spoken and oh yeah I worry

so would you if you had to deal with a mute.

doesn't stop me loving you

even in the stony silence

...

A couple stand in the room.

just barely, almost plastered to opposite walls

Even the wall paper cringes
waiting for the explosion

for the high pitched screeching

the doors, the ceiling, every

compartment, nook cranny

seems to move around them

pushing them closer

to the point where it's now or never

where they say either

an infinite hello or a final goodbye

she seems to turn to leave

he holds his breath

both stop unable to believe

that this is the end

it's unhappy, it's a waste,

it's life, that they can't live without

one another passes

through both minds

that they can't live

with each other,

is obvious, ultimately

they both wish that neither

will turn around while

both want to run

to the opposite corners

and meet in the middle

co-exist somewhere between,

the happy and the sad

...

"don't leave me"

I whisper, "then love me"

you reply, but I always have

and you can see that by my eye

"then believe in me" you utter

then you say "and no more lies"

Exams

Ugh exams, the long tick-tock
the dreary let me out clock.
The tedium of pushing yourself to write
just one more word, one more sentence
one letter, a paragraph in 5 minutes.

Which sadist decided to create them.
A method of torture for kids.
Oh the inflamed blemishes,
the dark rimmed eyes which peep out
at the rotund shouting man at the front
"5 minutes" he bellows.

Tired of debating, minute details
of a certain text attentions wander.
Fall to the feet of the people in front
look at their shoes, Nike trainers,
high heels, heavy duty boots.

Wonder what the people behind think
of you, you sit up straight
head down, no looking around.
The amount of people endlessly scribbling
hands almost jerking to finish their last few drawls...

It will all come to nothing for some,
"they were not bright enough"
some might say, or maybe just maybe
these exams don't suit everyone
didn't anyone ever think of the practical minds ?
The intelligent people who work with their hands?
What happened to fairness and equality?

Like I said which sadist actually
planned these exams out ?
Who thought of sitting children
silently in a room for sometimes well over an hour ?
Because that's not oppressive is it ?
and it certainly won't have a negative affect!
Imbeciles......."put down your pens please"

I'm me and I'm beginning to know you.

I'm me! A person
just getting to know you.
It turns out I'm not lost
and I'm not missing a little part of me
I'm not needing to be head strong
or to put up my guard.
I don't need to obsess
I know exactly what I want!

I want you, quite simply
and who the hell needs words?
I need those sweet caresses,
I want to shake you
just like you shake me
send those shivers down your spine

there's no interferences,
because we are simply us
and you don't confuse me;
well you do but it's in a good way
and I simply don't need to hide
away as I've done before.

I sometimes wonder
if you are actually real.
It's unbelievable; you crept up
and captured my caged heart
penetrated those titanium bars.
steel encased strings spring
to a less familiar shape.
I want to explore my heart shaped world.

I giggle with shock sometimes
it's unusual, I don't ever act like that.
What's happened to me?
Oh hell yeah I have doubts,
but I'm a worrier
and it's early yet, it's just odd

because you take everything,
everything I thought I knew
and turn it upside down
shake it and throw it out.
Gone. Bye bye lonely girl.
Bye bye I don't need a man.
Bye bye feeling lost in amongst
a sea of happy couples.

But I'm still me and
you are always you
if that ever changed... I'd hate it,
I don't want to control anything
I don't need to plan anything
How about we just ....be?
Turns out I'm not as afraid
as I thought I was.

It's just so weird hahaha
don't give me that look
I don't mean that in a bad way
you just happen to spin
my world and have my axis shivering
anticipation...maybe
Love ... Yes.
I'm me...I think I could enjoy getting to know
You.

Rain

Why is it that the rain
always brings me back to reality?
With a sharp tug I drop
back to the nomal dreary earth

It's life you see,
I'm not down but I'm not up.
In the garden the colourful
bright, beautiful flowers
soak up little droplets of life
the rain makes them grow upward.

The weeds, those yellow dandelions
cover the normally lush,
green grass, heads upturned
reaching, stretching for the rain.

I want to be out there!
Jumping in all the puddles
standing on my tip toes
arms out-stretched, reaching
drenching myself, in pure water
cleansing myself of it all.

Buds, become little cups
and each catch the drizzle of water
passing it along, sharing it
until it falls to the ground and soaks in

I envy the little blackbird
sat in the tree, shaking the droplets off
No water falls into my
cupped, waiting hands
I'm not even outside
I will not get to feel the oh so cleansing rain
as it trickles down my back,
chasing away my fears as it goes......

24 hours ago

Wow you just said it again
"hahaha" I laugh I didn't even realised you cared for me
24 hours ago I was a clueless wreck stuck in limbo
Just waiting for you to enlighten me

But today it was different it wasn't forced
every time I smiled, I meant it.
Something tells me you did too
and I get a tingle whenever you kiss my neck

Yeah I trust you enough to touch my neck
I feel like... well I feel different.
and when you kissed me I wasn't scared
apprehensive but not scared

the funniest bit was when you kissed my nose
by accident of course... at least I hope it was
hahaha then you kept saying, love you.
I waited for it to feel awkward and it just didn't...

Your Poem ......

Grandad and Gran B,
this is your poem...

Tonight, you are with the family
and friends, who have loved with you.
We've seen the good and revelled in it.
We've seen the bad and been there for you.
Just as you have always been there for us
no matter what or who tried to come between
the strong, binding ties we've created.

There are so many times that you've shared
that I will never know about.
What was it like to hold your first child
or your second for that matter?
When you met was it love at first sight ?
On your wedding day, what did you have
that was blue? Did you watch her smile
as she walked down the aisle ?

All that I know is that you are my grandparents,
the ones I run to, have done since I was little.
for a cuddle or to hear my favourite fairy tale.
To listen to you tell me about the past.
You have done so much, I could never
be who I am now without you.

Do you remember helping me make dens?
Can you remember when we went fishing
and grandad kept saying those huge fish
just broke off the line ........ yeah right grandad.
I can, I remember the happiest moments
being simply with you. At your caravan
or walking and bilberry picking at brimham rocks.
The adventures I've been on with you two.

So tonight, we are celebrating your adventure.
I hope you smile, I hope you get all the hugs,
I hope that you enjoy yourselves,
and most of all I hope we can all share in it.
because as a family, we are strong
and you are our strongest link
always have been, always will be.

Juliet's revenge

"Leave...get out..."
The screech echo's after me
and finally these awkward feet
are moving along.
Slowly, my weak legs and
retching gut are exiting,
the now bloody set.

Nose bleeding, arms clawed
I heave my weight into the car.
I sit. I'm a fool.
Thought I'd get away with it.
It meant nothing.
It never meant as much as she did to me
but that screaming banshee
she isn't the woman who loves me

'Oh god', your daunted eyes
your betrayed expression
the hard line of your lips
the sharp edge to your set jaw.
the sobbing, the endless tears,
will haunt me for the rest of my life
I should have known, realised,
you'd guessed. You've been grey faced

barely speaking to me,
staring into space, not lively.
There's been no electric current
in our embraces, they've seemed forced.
You've shoved me away.
I'm whinging again aren't I?
Making this your fault...

I never could take responsibility
for those actions that hurt you.
Oh how I've hurt you this time
beyond repair...
Thump! "What the...?"
Thud! "Hahahaha"
that insane demon that grips
my gorgeous, caring love
is pelting me with bags and belongings.

The things we built our home around
torn from walls, grabbed from cupboards
are falling to the car, scratching paint
breaking glass; all these blows meant for me.
I can hear you again now
the shrieks of pain, the blubbering,
slurring of words-expletives.

Who is this animal ?
Where is my prim and perfect
princess? The mascara's running down
your patchy face. You were never so...
inconsolable, uncontrollable even.
I always knew the right words.
But you see that's where I went wrong isn't it?

I only ever judged you on your beauty.
I did what my father did to
my sweet, gentle, beautiful mother,
to you. I forgot that you were
more than looks, you always have
been intelligent, passionate.
You demanded the best from me.
It was my undoing in the end
I couldn't live up to the pinnacle
of humanity you wanted me to be.

I am only human, I am only male.
"Male scum" as you so rightly remind me.
It seems our trail of thought
is following similar bread crumbs.
I can't believe I let my life go to the dogs
for a bitch like her.
I ended it weeks ago
but she couldn't let go.

See that dog was nothing like you
I had to woo her with baubles
with trinkets, other men
lined up behind her.
Some men warned me she was a witch!
Did I listen? 'Did I hell'
She was so different to you...

Always will be she's,
a whole other breed.
She's not even in your league!
That's what's got me feeling ill
that I hurt you for a bit of tacky,
trashy, tarty, nothingness.
I've treated you like utter crap.

I'm back in the living room,
You're sat on the sofa
as far from the door I'll enter
as you could possibly get.
"Hey honey I'm home now"
I smiled at you, that's when you pressed it
the button that broke everything

The answer machine bursts into life
dictates every little gory detail.
The leering obviously drunk voice
hisses at you "He loves me! Not you!"
and you crumple, the calm, collected,
nonchalant exterior it must have taken
hours to find, dissipates into nothing.
I reach for you and
you seemed to be reaching to me...

Then you hit me, square on the nose.
I was stunned. Now I'm chuckling.
You've still got that mean right hook.
You've not used it in while mind.
For the first time this evening the wetness,
covering my stained shirt isn't red,
tears are trickling away from my black eyes.

I've never received such hatred.
Never seen such evil intent in those eyes.
For a moment I was scared,
scared of the woman I've loved,
for longer than I actually remember.
Because you always remembered the dates.
Made excuses for me, you were considerate.
You were perfect.

The flood gates have opened now.
You've disappeared. Something tells me-
"you won't be seeing her again, you idiot"
I start the ignition, I've got to leave.
Give you a clean break.

Perhaps you'll find someone who deserves you...
I'm turning the corner and
I see you on the balcony
and I read the look in your eye.
It's not difficult, it just says
"Your last mistake, was driving off"
It says, " Romeo can bugger off"
It says, "please I want my life back"
then you shout "...and don't come back"

Aethelflaed

I am the lady of the Mercians.

I control the lands, men wish to take

burly, grotesquely huge men.

Men without moral, without code,

they take lands; but not mine, never mine.

They will not dominate me,

I am female not defenseless!

You know the men of my court

and that of my father's, they've

honoured me with this status.

Rather than replacing me,

in the aftermath of my husbands death,

he who fell to the dreaded north men-

I was granted my Wessex lands

I was granted a little freedom.

I had been a good wife to the Mercian king after all.

Did you know they trust me?

they take my advice, I'm a keen tactician.

I love the thrill of a battle,

I've invaded wales, captured derby from the Danes,

defeated them at Leicester;

the power that came with victory, it shakes me sometimes.

I am not ignorant to my peoples needs.

I have even given these wretched men and heir-

not the one they hoped for,

but still my heiress, my independent Elfwynn.

She has it, the little spark.

A mixture of pride, of poise,

of courage. She'll handle them.

Oh yes The Lady of The Mercians,

will live on. The title might pass on

to generations and generations

of strong influential women.

It might not; but I tried.

I've tried to make a difference

to show people I am not just a possession

I've had forts built, I've had them garrisoned.

Give me an army to command

and so help me they'll obey.

Even those ice cold, stone hard vikings

complied, York's Danes pledged allegiance,

To save their sorry skins from other enemies.

More wretched Norse men,

headed this time from Ireland.

But I'm withering now, growing old

It has been a long time without rest

I occasionally envy the simple lives

of ladies of the court, they will die in peace.

I will die in pieces, more than likely.

But I'll die in a powerful seat,

my brother envies, only wishes he could hold.

Elfwynn will hold on to my Mercia

I have taught her enough, to ready her.

Aye she's ready... peace is calling me

I think I'll retire, leave the public eye

just for a few moments...

918 AD

Today was spectacular

Well today was spectacular
the sun just happened to burn,
the concrete pavements
and grassy embankments were so inviting
we kept sitting then wandering along.

But it isn't the heat of the sun
that's leaving an imprint on my skin,
no I wont have any red marks.
It's the hand that's tracing circles on my arm.
It's the arm that's gripping my hips tightly.

I feel more alive with every moment
we're locked together, closer to heaven
than I ever wish to be. I don't think
a bird could even soar this high.
I amble on, just holding your hand

I'm loathed to release it
even just to move an inch further,
towards the flourishing beauty
that has me totally enthralled
because all that seems fake in comparison

to what we have; you're at a loss
for words, for actions, for reasons
I love it when you're like that
it means you can't tell me
only what I want to hear

It's when I finally see the man
I adore, love even, maybe...
Well I've said it now.
Luckily there's no daunted expression,
no running backwards as fast as possible

You just gripped my hand tighter
"Did he do that? or am I dreaming?"
I can't comprehend what that means
I'm too terrified to turn around
then I feel your presence get closer

I turn around there's your face
staring at me devotedly, with those eyes,
I could drown in and that smile
that makes me forget everything
and suddenly concentrate solely on us.

Sub-consciously I'm reminded
that it's selfish to wish for this
to be endless, that I'd miss others
but for a second, looking at you
I see who I want to be

She's projected at me from the sheen
in your eyes. She's smiling and happy
looks like the spring is in her step
looks like the summers caught her in bliss
she's got the colours of autumn glistening

in her skin, her hair. Winter's in the past
no pale flakes touch her, in her little orb.
The all encompassing one that I'm in.
It's sheltering me and I'm thawing.
It appears Ice queens melt quickly, surprise, surprise.

Pride keeps my generators going...

It came back to me today that thing
that I've been lost without. My pride.
It told you, where to shove it!
like a bee being swatted, it stung,
like a butterfly, it's beauty glided from my flowering tongue

I've been full of melancholy and static.
My pride is what keeps me going you see,
it's the substance that makes my generators purr
into action, unleashed, I'm soaring up.
I'm finally taking to the saddle. One foot's in one stirrup.

Now it's time to savour, to watch the drip,
drop of your arguments fall apart.
Prides just the start, not my only weapon.
No, not the most dangerous not by a mile.
You see, my sarcasm has a most ingenious and wicked style.

You don't see what's hit you
until I'm out the door, I'm sauntering away.
It seems I've left you in pain. Oh what a shame!
Look at you ground into the floor, I felt like that before,
well dear 'friend' it appears I won't be anymore!

What am I missing?

How come I'm missing something that was never mine ?
Could never be mine, I was never stupid enough to believe
it'd be mine, I'm usually so realistic. Why now?
I feel like I'm being ripped limb from limb
like my hearts being sucked dry of all it's blood
just left as a shrivelled little heap, withering, dead.

How come when I want you to smile at me
all I get is a grimace? What did I do that was so wrong?
I feel like I'm missing something very important.
Is that why you keep leaving? Because you're scared
you'll become too attached? Because you're afraid you'll hurt me
I hate to break it to you it's hurting me more
to be thrown from pillar to post like this.

Or is it simpler than that? Do I not mean anything?
I'm not right am I? I hope I'm not but that's what
my, oh so, intuitive gut keeps telling me
Then the stronger half of me mutters "listen to yourself"
"Who the hell are you and what have you done to the
usual unmoved occupant of this body?" I'm in too deep!

I'm sighing, staring out of windows looking for inspiration.
All I'm finding is rays of glare. I convince myself
"I'm going to stop it all now!" But you force your way back in.
Show me what I'm missing, because at the moment
I'm trying to find something that my subconscious
is telling me simply isn't there. "Arghhhhhhh" I want to scream.

Stories of old

In the stories of old
you would have swept
that blonde little maiden of her feet
while I swept the dirty
cracked kitchen floor

I would have admired
just looking from afar
taking a few glances from under my lashes
then sighed and carried
on in my chores

In the stories of old
you'd have ridden past
on your glossy white steed blanking me
and I'd have pulled
at the ass behind -"pfft men"

I would have trudged home
almost barefoot, watched her
as she sauntered out decked in your gold
I'd have envied but
I'd never have spoken out

and I might have believed
all those myths from the past
I might have watched you walk past,
not grabbed the reigns
and turned you to look at me

But I'm not judged by my beauty
I'd fail to win any competition if I was
and I don't expect pretty baubles
or gold encrusted glass slippers
Simple souls don't need the big ball gowns

Do you really think resembling a fairy
(or one of those dolls that cover a loo roll) appeals to me?
and as much as I like to swim, I never did like fishy tales
don't sit me on a throne; don't give me a matching tiara
I don't want your gifts

I won't ask for this dance
I wouldn't put you through the pain
me and my two left feet, (treat them with caution)
No I'm not asking to be princess nor queen
I'm not actually asking anything of you

In the stories of old
I'd never have been able to tease and torment you
I'd have been strung up tighter than the corsets
they'd have made me wear
if they'd even had a whiff of such goings on

No in the stories of old
I'd have been the dirty faced girl
the black sheep, the outspoken whore
lucky then isn't it that neither you or me
follow those rules anymore

but you see in the stories of old
you'd never have been a prince
you'd probably have been a pirate, or a rogue
someone who'd have wooed me roughly
moved me, loved me, all against my will

In stories of old and fairy tales alike
there's always a happy ending
but when is there ever always a happy ending in life ?
"Happily ever after" they say
but where is the fun in that?

No trials and tribulations
No Heroine or Hero ever got
anywhere with out a few problems
that's the thing about those pesky story tellers
they make life too easy

Happily never after folks
I think it's time we made our own story
maybe just this once...

WhyWhatBecause

I was asked today, "Why do we have bad days"

and I said "Maybe it's just luck of the draw."

I was asked today, "Why do we have bad days"

and I said "Because we pick the shortest straw."





I was asked today "What is a good day"

and I answered "24 hours without pain"

I was asked today "What is a good day"

and I said "A day where it doesn't rain"





But you see I lied, because I love the rain

and I know that there'd be no joy

without the opposite extreme of pain

I realise my excuses are just a ploy

because in reality I'm afraid of the truth

My short story

"life sucks, but it's an adventure you can't miss: so get on with it!"

I'm No Toy

I want to be more now
I'm done wasting time,
sick of waiting, for you.
It's unfair the way you
toy with me, it's unbearable,
it's like I'm worthless

You don't own me.
You believe you do but
I'm my own property
and your filthy maulers
would only create dirty
stains on my clean skin.

Your tilted, half-a-smile,
can send those insects
fluttering in my stomach,
but they're misguided.
I mean they've flown
into carnivorous plants,

been consumed by monsters.
You're nothing special.
Hard to believe isn't it,
but I finally believe it's true.
Normally my beliefs mean nothing
but now...they do.

We are at opposite poles,
worlds apart, separated
by an invisible spectrum
but I'm not missing you
I feel free. I felt lost.
Now I don't; how simple.

My life isn't controlled,
isn't monitored, isn't stable.
However it's my roller coaster
and I have decided, finally
that I'm not lacking anything
or missing any spare part.

So now I'm going to be more
and this time I won't doubt
myself, I'll ride life unhindered.
Nothing will block my tracks
and If I want to scream
and feel the adrenaline, I will.

I'm climbing slowly upward,
my arms are outstretched,
the fear has my blood pumping
and I finally reach the tip
then I plummet. Independently,
I fall. Now I'm more.

"yours to the end of life's story"

"I've never loved anyone the way I love you

how could I, when I was born to be just yours"



This melody is interrupting my thoughts

and it's the sweetest, prettiest little rhyme

it's invaded my every day dream and

my last little moments before I sleep

and it's become the happiest moment as I wake



The song written so long ago, in a time of

true love, true affection, true meaning

we don't have that anymore, it's such a shame

because a promise has stopped meaning

anything, it's useless, completely obsolete


"Yours" she sings as almost a lullaby

the song's like my little piece of heaven

my little piece or honesty and hope.

Can I fine someone that makes

"the glory of the stars" look pale?



I swear I was born in the wrong era

60 years too late, I don't feel like this

about music that's written now

this little melody beats any single

from recent years, because you never



find a melody anymore. How Ironic

you barely ever find true love either

"born just to be yours" I'll keep thinking

a soul mate, I'll keep wishing and smiling

"yours to the end of life's story" I'll keep waiting

The moment when I look through you....

you know there will be a moment
where you are looking straight at me
and I won't see you, I'm going to be blind
to your presence; to anyone's for that matter

and you'll all cry and I'll be oblivious
I won't be able to speak up and ask
"What's wrong, who hurt you"
I won't be able to make it better

There will be a moment where
you see me and I don't respond
where I stop moving and I'm finally
free, from the body that's hindered me

there will be a moment where you see me
and I won't see you, where you hold me
for the last time and after the last agonising breath
I fall still, and no one knows what's next

I've been so scared, in so much pain
every breath laboured, you won't see
the agonised me anymore, you might
remember me as a happy yougster

as the cheeky beggar that kept you smiling
as the little fighter that never let go of life,
up till now that is, but it's inevitable isn't it?
It didn't stop me being scared

I hope you never have to know,
the pain of looking at a family member and
thinking I'll never see you again
I hope you never have to worry over the time,

over what you have left, oh it's been difficult
and long, the longest moments of my life
and there will be a moment where
you are all looking at me and

I won't look back at you, but I'm not ignoring you
I'll always love you, always be with you
I just can't hold you and cherish you
with the body laid infront of you anymore

So look back at me, stop those tears now
I'm here, just beyond your sight
just beyond your understanding
always loving and missing you from afar

My Magnolia Walls

Sat here, in this chair
looking at my magnolia walls
wondering why I never hung a picture
or painted a vibrant colour.

I always thought of it
as my blank canvas
the time to decorate would come;
eventually. I'd bide my time till then.

So I've stayed in my chair
looking at my wood panel flooring
watching the dark thick dust cover
everything, even me, watching it settle

I've even watched, as condensation
trickles, making ripples down the window
all from my lounging position, watched
the growing cobwebs cover the panes

I feel like I am stagnating,
like the water in a mucky pool
can I pull myself out, am I strong enough
I'm sick of being the lonely, lady in the lake

So slowly it'd be painful to watch
I grip the chair arm and push away.
Finally, I am away from the chains
which gripped and bound me so painfully

my feet drag through the dust
as I walk toward those dusky windows
and I force, with a power I never knew I had
those rusty old latches open, and in floats the breeze

out blow those dark and shadowy cobwebs
the dust at my feet shudders in protest
it swirls around, awoken from it's slumber
interrupted in it's lazy, idle dreaming

and I'm moving now, towards the door
through it to the old cupboards.
There, no dig deeper, there found them
my sweeping brush and my pots of paint

So I sweep, and I remove the last
of those silky, snares of web,
remove the last of the dust.
I open the paint can and look up,

look up at my blank canvas and
pick up the pot, tear the lid off
and throw splashes and spatters of bright paint
upon the once bare, magnolia walls.

smiley days and mischeif

I don't have fun like this with anyone else,
you lot make me giggle and laugh -often a tad too loud!
We make mischief, we are relentlessly searching for fun
and we pick on a certain person in the group
"love you really" we say and he looks at us all in disbelief,
then we attack his ears a bit more, and I'm laughing...again

I realised pretty quickly who the literary genius was-
the things that she writes give me cold shivers
and the mathematician/musician, "Einstein who?"
the world hasn't seen anything yet,
these two are going to be great, cynical and frank as they are,
by the time these two are through Jesus won't know what hit him

Then there's you my little cutie, the quiet (est) one of us
You are our little red headed monster; you silently attacked
and now you are solidly in our hearts, it's never changing either,
your little giggle and eye scrunching smile makes us all chuckle.
Hey did you think I'd missed you lad? No you aren't that lucky
We don't care what you did before! You make a certain lyrical genius smile

and you make the rest if us laugh, we've never had a dull moment with you.
Oh and I mustn't forget the loudest of my friends;
A girl can't get one minute of piece, or a none-special bus journey
not with you around anyway, life's hard but we all work through it
and naturally you are all there backing me, stopping me from falling
and I'm always there for you- even if you live so far away it's difficult
I can always get there, always, especially for my favourite sister

because life wouldn't be the same without you.
We have smiley days, grumpy days and upsetting days, together.
One thing life will never be with you is bland, boring or god forbid, quiet.

Mount Vesuvius

If you think you can change me, you are wrong
I've seen it all now, I've been to Mount Vesuvius and back
I've mustered the courage to walk in deserted lands
I've been there done that and you can't change it now

I'm as independent as they come. I thought you knew.
I thought you realised I didn't need you, I just wanted you.
You can't replace the holding hands I already have
they steady me more than you ever could, they don't try to dominate

I've seen some scary sights, but I've never seen a man die
it's funny looking at you I'm tearing away your soul
by simply saying "No, I won't be restrained"
it's worse that I find it amusing; killing the part of your soul I hold,

that means we never meant anything
sad really, you thought I'd change for you
not just compromise but force myself to be
someone, something that I'd hate- You fool

But like I've said before, I've been to Vesuvius and back
and you don't have enough of a hold over me
to make me stop, you never cared enough.
You never changed; so forget it because I won't

I think I'll go back to Italy soon, back to Vesuvius
ironic how a volcano helped me find my firey side
puzzling that a rock formation did what you never could
I'm not changing; I think I'll erode over time,
I'll grow ancient and throw a wobbler every so often.
Well it works for the damn volcano doesn't it ?

looking at the flowers, so pure

I'm sat here looking at the flowers
been here for a couple of hours
silence sweeps over me not even one foot step
creeps closer or threatens to upset
the silence, so pure, so pure

and it's in this place of absolute sincerity
that I find what you lack, loyalty.
Although I miss that beautiful smile
I'm not there to listen to you rant and rile
Because I'm in my place where I'm always sure

and I'm sat here looking at the flowers
been here for a couple of hours
silence sweeps over me not even one foot step
creeps closer or threatens to upset
the silence, so pure, so pure

The blossom upon my favorite tree
falls and sways closer to me
and I'm reminded, of those beautiful eyes
that covered up that awful guise

and I'm sat here looking at the flowers
been here for a couple of hours
silence sweeps over me, not even one foot step
creeps closer or threatens to upset
the silence, so pure, so pure

and it's in place that I truly and finally find me
and when you're prepared to see
you'll follow and glimpse what you lost
and realise that I have never been cross

and I'm sat here looking at the flowers
been here for a couple of hours

You can't see me for me

You can't see me for me
because I'm not showing you the real me.
Sorry, but no! That would be too scary
too real, that would mean,
that you actually meant something to me
and I can't go through the pain
of losing someone else

I'm sick of it, alright? I'm not like the others.
I won't share these feelings,
it'd hurt too much to tell you!
I know I'd be rejected and I can't stand it,
it makes me feel so small,
so stupid and insignificant

I can be intelligent but never a beauty
and you deserve a beauty not some
wreck like me, someone who doesn't know,
who they are and
who can't tell you what she wants
and you know it as well, that's why
I won't share these feelings

I will get hurt my head keeps telling me.
How do you drown out your own thoughts?
You know music won't work
I've tried every genre from
the sweetest melody to the hardest rock
and nothing, nothing removes the doubt

Why I have to feel like this is beyond me
'I can do it' I will myself; then I fall
at the last ruddy hurdle
and it hurts it leaves unseen cuts
Bruises that are miles deep
on skin that won't show the pain

You know it wouldn't matter,
if you were just some other person
but you aren't, you are you and
even though at times you infuriate me
beyond belief; you also make me laugh
and you make me cry as well

anything that is powerful enough to
encourage so much emotion from me,
can only be good for me I tell myself
and then I look at you and the pain
over rides all my senses and the
confusion messes with my head

Now you are the scariest thing alive
because you actually make me feel
My goodness I'm terrified
nothing has ever scared me so much
than to just feel. Of course you
wouldn't understand that would you ?
Because you are always so damn strong

and you are never bloody well wrong
and nine times out of ten I feel like
a child when I'm with you
because you make me feel things
I never knew existed it's like
the scariest nightmare and the best fairy tale

Monster

You want me to sit here and listen to you???
I refuse to! You bully, you have a short fuse.
You use aggression to gain the advantage
You pursue a person's only fear and turn it into
a weakness, a disability, a mistake.

You know listening to you,
that has been my only weakness
You are the extreme, with your unfaltering pace
you head towards one thing only,
Anarchy


Your manipulation, that sinister expression
may hurt someone else,
but I'm happy in the knowledge
that you will fall from the ruins
of your self made pedestal


and when you land it will be at my feet.
You will have to look up and meet my gaze
and undertstand the force of my thoughts
just for a change


and as the flames lick slowly
at all you built and reduces everything
to just you, alone, the minority.
You will realise I won and you lost.

You will realise the methods
of motvation I use, trust and care,
produce better results, than the terror you inflict.
You monster


Well now we rule the majority rule.
Just this once you have lost.
How does it feel to be the one
who is trodden on for a change?

Oh but justice is sweet
look at you, at how far you've fallen
from grace
Now you aren't a terrifying sight
you are just the losing side of our battle

A disturbing after thought
that occasionally invades a person's mind.
Oh yes they've nearly all forgotten the horrors
the ones you caused; the majority refuse,
refuse to be ruled,
ruled by the fear you once instilled

No longer do you hold power !
Do you hear me ?
No more will you influence the people,
those that stood by you have fled
hahahaha it's a hard and lonely life, for you now

Enjoy isolation...............

Mirror Image

I don't think you've realised
just how much I've changed.
since meeting you, I'm a happier person
I'm called outgoing now not strange

I wonder whether you've noticed
that since meeting you
I can look in the mirror and smile
I can walk down the street,
this head, held high

I wonder whether you know
Yes! You, with the unruly brown hair
since meeting you I've grown,
more caring, more open, more me.


You with the lovely grey, blue eyes
and the luscious smile, that's contagious
You've made me happy
I don't cry anymore

Did you miss me?
It's been a while, almost a decade.
When we reunited
I'd been gone an awful long time

Oi you! Look back at me, your reflection
you've got me now
your confidence, shouldn't be low anymore
I know the girl behind the eyes too

Look back at me!
your mirror image
and tell me I don't look good
Look at you!

All the things they say
they are true,
but they aren't hurting you anymore
they want to make you smile

So smile at me!
No not that fake one
that's it believe in me, in us,
now take a step back
and turn around
You are on your own now!

Silence...

The Devils daughter

If you were real, I bet you'd have
blood red eyes and olive skin
Red curls that fell just right
You'd be promiscuous and strangely thin

Your curves would entice.
You'd simply pierce a man in two
with eyes that draw blood
You'd be fierce with fangs and scars
but you'd most certainly be you

You'd cackle at fire,
be enthralled by the Gothic
Wage war on your father
and have temper that could kill
You'd ne'er be bashful
and by god would a man follow your will

You'd screech and you'd squawk,
howl and play hell, if ever a lad
mentioned that ominous wedding bell
You'd fear nothing,
for what could be worse
than being princess of hell ?

A Million Screens

I feel hopeless, less than worthless;
I see your tears of pain splattered across
a million screens
I hear your cries, adverts of screeching,
starving, scared people
but still I leave you in what
are obviously less than capable hands

Hope less, worthless person.

Not even human, just a person
If I was human I'd fly,
fly to every less than perfect country
and sort
alleviate the problems, the death, the war,
the destruction,
the endless sweat which pours
from your mud splattered skin

Hopeless, worthless person.

I am, I accept the title
which I fully deserve
I buy the trainers, the jackets, the carpets
that make your hands bleed
they leave life long impressions
'Life long'.... a short life long at that
What memories do you have ?
Guns, war, pain, death

Hopeless, worthless person.

I can't remove the murky vision of you
but like those parliamentary slobs
I put you out of my mind
forget about your life
and get on with mine

Selfish, worthless, hopeless person.

City crumbling.....

You know I used to...
I used to read your eyes
They always showed...
showed when you would strike

Your huge, round eyes
Deep blue, cold, terrifying orbs
they'd often shrink before...
then your hand would raise
in that most demeaning salute

Thwack!!!

Me at the mercy of your
Ariel attack
Like a shattered city I would..
crumble...fall...shatter to the ground

Mucky marks, cracks and chips
that's all that adorns my walls
My windows, gaping holes
allowing water to bleed down my sides

My head and neck strain
I see everything in slow motion
The darkness ... whirring stars...
they are the only light
before my dazed eyes

That was the sunset on my city

My tears, form the rivers
which over flow
from their cage like drains;
my eyes, glazed see through the dark
My daunted expression flickers
as your moustache twitches

And there I am once again
Marching, following your orders
my modern hitler
My fascist father
I salute and "Heil"

Dear reader,

I realised the people that read this- if they actually read this blog- will probably not have a clue why some wierdo just decided to put some poetry on a blog.

I am, as my nearest and dearest friends will tell you, enthralled by poetry. My view is that literature rips open all boundries and allows the reader to see the soul of the writer, their views, their emotions and their insatiable need to write. That's what these poems are. They are not just my outlet but a little window to me. I find it hard to tell people how I feel sometimes; so I write these poems and there, on the page, is the strongest emotion I'm feeling.

My best friends say that my poetry links to people around me. It does not. Not consciously anyway. I hope that on some level these poems touch you, I hope that they draw some form of emotion from the people who read them even if that form takes the shape of hate (hence the sub title "you'll either love it or hate it").

Yours sincerely

Abigail

Moving forward

I move forward in small steps
during minutes, hours and days
I come across barriers
I hate their irrational concepts
Yet by nothing am I phased
I walk through my fears
jumping from jagged rock to jagged rock
wondering why I've been so scared over the years
unafraid I open every rusty old lock
I'm not desperately seeking sanctuary anymore
I'm finding my own safety at my own pace

I'm moving forward
All the comfort, people and places I love
are changing
one friend laughs another cries; surely she's joking
Then they read my sad eyes
but I'm not fearful
I won't be scared again
I'm just regretful
I'm losing them; we know it
But I'm moving on and I'm happy
so I won't show it

my guitar

I'm sat here with my guitar

looking at the strings

strumming with my fingers

wishing I were in a swing

playing through the wind

just moving,



swaying through the storm

thats raging in my brain

and making my head sting

I'm looking at my sketch book

I've got the design in my head

but my fingers are locked




they won't move or make sense

I'm thinking now looking back

I feel so dense

I can't write I can't draw

I can't understand this confusion

I am utterly tense

Look at me while I cry. What do you see ???

If I could cry I would; but I promised myself I wouldn't
I promised myself that I'd look at you
and only see you as a friend
I willed myself; but then you came over and asked
me to listen to you, asked me to care again
As if I ever stopped; you hurt me too much.
My brain freeze frames on the worst picture
the one of you
and of her.
She only ever really had eyes for you.
It's stuck in my memory. It doesn't move
It won't relent.



I look up into the face that I once trusted
Into the eyes that once seemed so loyal
At your mouth, that once covered mine
That covered hers
And I turn to stone, I will not cry anymore
So I plaster on a smile and I leave
just like that
Can you see me? I'm walking,
going through the doors that were our beginning
and are now our end

You make me smile ...

'I can't ever feel this happy again it's impossible' I think
And then in your usual style you surprise me and I smile just that little bit more.
It's like you know me in and out and although in my own little naive way I know so little about you, I trust you wholly, not knowing doesn't frighten me like it normally does; in fact comparing this to normality is stupidity because this is so surreal, so un-natural so right. I don't feel the usual scared, obnoxious, unconfident feelings as before. You literally make me feel, you don't ask for anything I can't give and you don't expect me to change. You are the only person I know, who knows my feelings before I do. We have our own little glances, the ones that tell us exactly what we need to know and our own little jokes and our own minds, we are individuals, even when we are so close we may as well be one person.

You know me and the moment I realise this my blood is rushing and my heart is pounding in my chest. It's that glance when we meet each other's eyes and we know just for an instant that this is right. Those eyes that hold me captivated, like no precious treasure could, tell me so much about you. We are so connected we finish each other's sentences. I can ring you and just by my tone you know I need you. It's almost too difficult to leave you and pretend that every other moment of the day I want to be with other people. To dwell in languid silence with you is enough to fill my day with pure delight.

You mesmerise me........

did you notice?? I saw the glimmer
the one that shone like a million stars
the plain recognition it illuminated your eyes
there are no constraining bars
with you there are no illusions and lies
you smiled knowingly at me, we fell, just like that
no darkness just light
bathed in golden light, we fell and then I realised.......

I'm mesmerised
I wonder whether you realise??
All I ever need to know is there's never pain and there's never lies
when I'm looking into your beautiful eyes