Twelve years has been and gone !

well you know what I don't care.
I don't care, that really, you loved her more!
that you left me. That you walked out
long before I was even crawling.
I don't care that you made me watch you,
both of you fighting like cat and dog
That at the age of four you cut me out.

Twelve years too late is what you are!
I was never going to be a daddy's girl.
I certainly am not starting now!
Do you realise what you did to me,
how I still suffer now, how I trust no one ?
and no it's not just your fault.
Yes I should be stronger than that. Than you.

So now I finally might just take that leap.
I actually am, I've found someone.
He's perfect, you don't think so though do you?
No you judge him on how he looks.
Not who he is. Well I apologise,
most sincerely but now is too late
to walk right in and dictate.

If you'd have grown a pair
years ago, left that horrible bitch
I might have considered what you say.
God forbid that I'd have had the same
prejudices, he could be blue with green
polka dots for all I care, as long as he was... him.
But you have to make it an issue.
Have to make me feel small
and worthless once again
just like when I was younger you are leaving me ...

Well now I decide and it turns out
I don't choose you ! I choose him!
so sod off. Take a hike. I don't need you.
especially if you don't want to care !
I'm sick of fighting for love of one man.
I've already got a man who does that.
So here's a news flash an insight into my life,
You are Twelve years too late!

The Creeper, The Taker and The Maker.

Oh how the past creeps up and hits you in the face.
You think it's buried so deeply, in the dank dirt.
Only to find that, that 6 feet under you thought was unescapable
has hidden steps, that's letting it creep back up,
your ladened, bending spine; little bumps cascade down your arms.
Shivers and sweat run marathons across your body.

You know you can't change the past. Ever.
It's always there, absolute, simply waiting to knock down
all those protective barriers, burst through
the shiny veneer. It opens up your soul,
lets the entire world view the worst of you.
Past effects present effects future.

It affects our choices. Makes our decisions.
We become blameless because in time,
everything becomes part of the past,
an old shadowy nightmare, a distant memory.
Something to cart around, hide away,
ignore it's very existance. Prance about with faked dignity.

The past crept up and removed all happiness.
The past slinked through and blotted out the light.
Infamous past equals lonely present.
Boring, sheltered, dignified past equally defines the future.
So to live in the moment is to feel pain.
Is to have felt free, is to have felt villainous,

is to have rebelled through it all... only to look
old and withered and torn in a less than lovely present?
To be shunned and disregarded. To be hated.
It is too much, but the past will keep creeping up.
Will keep pushing on those pure white shrunken daisies.
The death of me, the past will be and my present will be no more.

We're even making the wall paper cringe!

"I believe you god damn it !"
I shout at the top of my voice,
roughly and finally you stop
going on and on and on and ....
well you get the point


You keep chewing my ear off.
Battering at my closed doors
my brain isn't open tonight,
call again; if you really have to,
just stop trying to pull up my shutters!


There is simply nothing there ok
no thoughts or feelings
I honestly have no opinion
on any of the matters which you
persist in throwing at me

...

All I want you to do is listen to me

just this once make a decision

good lord how hard is that to do?

arghhhh I can't stand the inevitable silence

that reaches me when I enter the room

I'm trying to let my guard down.

I really am, It's difficult you know.

I don't trust people, no not even you.

Why should that surprise you ?

You knew where I stood

I've never hidden my views

I'm out spoken and oh yeah I worry

so would you if you had to deal with a mute.

doesn't stop me loving you

even in the stony silence

...

A couple stand in the room.

just barely, almost plastered to opposite walls

Even the wall paper cringes
waiting for the explosion

for the high pitched screeching

the doors, the ceiling, every

compartment, nook cranny

seems to move around them

pushing them closer

to the point where it's now or never

where they say either

an infinite hello or a final goodbye

she seems to turn to leave

he holds his breath

both stop unable to believe

that this is the end

it's unhappy, it's a waste,

it's life, that they can't live without

one another passes

through both minds

that they can't live

with each other,

is obvious, ultimately

they both wish that neither

will turn around while

both want to run

to the opposite corners

and meet in the middle

co-exist somewhere between,

the happy and the sad

...

"don't leave me"

I whisper, "then love me"

you reply, but I always have

and you can see that by my eye

"then believe in me" you utter

then you say "and no more lies"

Exams

Ugh exams, the long tick-tock
the dreary let me out clock.
The tedium of pushing yourself to write
just one more word, one more sentence
one letter, a paragraph in 5 minutes.

Which sadist decided to create them.
A method of torture for kids.
Oh the inflamed blemishes,
the dark rimmed eyes which peep out
at the rotund shouting man at the front
"5 minutes" he bellows.

Tired of debating, minute details
of a certain text attentions wander.
Fall to the feet of the people in front
look at their shoes, Nike trainers,
high heels, heavy duty boots.

Wonder what the people behind think
of you, you sit up straight
head down, no looking around.
The amount of people endlessly scribbling
hands almost jerking to finish their last few drawls...

It will all come to nothing for some,
"they were not bright enough"
some might say, or maybe just maybe
these exams don't suit everyone
didn't anyone ever think of the practical minds ?
The intelligent people who work with their hands?
What happened to fairness and equality?

Like I said which sadist actually
planned these exams out ?
Who thought of sitting children
silently in a room for sometimes well over an hour ?
Because that's not oppressive is it ?
and it certainly won't have a negative affect!
Imbeciles......."put down your pens please"

I'm me and I'm beginning to know you.

I'm me! A person
just getting to know you.
It turns out I'm not lost
and I'm not missing a little part of me
I'm not needing to be head strong
or to put up my guard.
I don't need to obsess
I know exactly what I want!

I want you, quite simply
and who the hell needs words?
I need those sweet caresses,
I want to shake you
just like you shake me
send those shivers down your spine

there's no interferences,
because we are simply us
and you don't confuse me;
well you do but it's in a good way
and I simply don't need to hide
away as I've done before.

I sometimes wonder
if you are actually real.
It's unbelievable; you crept up
and captured my caged heart
penetrated those titanium bars.
steel encased strings spring
to a less familiar shape.
I want to explore my heart shaped world.

I giggle with shock sometimes
it's unusual, I don't ever act like that.
What's happened to me?
Oh hell yeah I have doubts,
but I'm a worrier
and it's early yet, it's just odd

because you take everything,
everything I thought I knew
and turn it upside down
shake it and throw it out.
Gone. Bye bye lonely girl.
Bye bye I don't need a man.
Bye bye feeling lost in amongst
a sea of happy couples.

But I'm still me and
you are always you
if that ever changed... I'd hate it,
I don't want to control anything
I don't need to plan anything
How about we just ....be?
Turns out I'm not as afraid
as I thought I was.

It's just so weird hahaha
don't give me that look
I don't mean that in a bad way
you just happen to spin
my world and have my axis shivering
anticipation...maybe
Love ... Yes.
I'm me...I think I could enjoy getting to know
You.

Rain

Why is it that the rain
always brings me back to reality?
With a sharp tug I drop
back to the nomal dreary earth

It's life you see,
I'm not down but I'm not up.
In the garden the colourful
bright, beautiful flowers
soak up little droplets of life
the rain makes them grow upward.

The weeds, those yellow dandelions
cover the normally lush,
green grass, heads upturned
reaching, stretching for the rain.

I want to be out there!
Jumping in all the puddles
standing on my tip toes
arms out-stretched, reaching
drenching myself, in pure water
cleansing myself of it all.

Buds, become little cups
and each catch the drizzle of water
passing it along, sharing it
until it falls to the ground and soaks in

I envy the little blackbird
sat in the tree, shaking the droplets off
No water falls into my
cupped, waiting hands
I'm not even outside
I will not get to feel the oh so cleansing rain
as it trickles down my back,
chasing away my fears as it goes......